It Finally Hurts

It hurts to be me. It hurts to feel like you've lost who you are. It hurts to be lost and scared. It hurts to feel like everything you've ever had or wanted is gone now. Poof it disappered into thin air. That's how I'm really feelinglike I've lost everything. But when I look around me I have everything. But when I look again it's gone. When I came home from swimming today I wanted to cry and cry. Because I hate who I've become. I don't like her. I wish she never existed. I wish I could've been smart and taken the easy way out to do what I was born to do. But I gave it all up and took the stupid way out. And now I have to live with it whether I like it or not. I finally feel the pain for everything I've ever done. I'm getting what I deserved big time. I think I defiently desereve it. I've let myself waste away for too long and I'm done. I understand now you have to fight for what you want. I don't know how to be myself anymore. I feel like every part of me is gone. I feel like I don't deserve anything anymore. Like I'm worthless. Everyday at least once my heart sinks to my knees and I just want to break down and cry. I don't want to talk. I want to be alone. Alone with my thoughts, my books, my writing. Alone is every sense of the word. But I guess I'm too loved for people to give up on me that quickly. They know that although I'm broken and battered I'm still the same girl they know I just need a little bit more work to put back together again.

So Lost

Some mornings I wake up and I know excatly what I want to do and who I want to be. While others I am just so lost, confused and unsure. I hate those mornings. I then readily anticipate the bad day I know could possibly happen. To me these times tell me that I've hit another fork in the road of life. It may be just a minor one but occasionally it ends up being a major one. In my life I'm stuck at a major one. I thought I had made my final decision but apparently not because instead of going on my way I got lost. Really lost. Right now I know that I might spend a good amount of my time lost before finding the road I'm meant to take this time around. There's still lessons I'm meant to learn first. I'm learning how to be who I always was but never could be. And unfortunately for me I have not yet mastered that. It's something that may take time to learn and a good amount of time. I now realize just how much I'm capable of. I'm pretty torn. I want to be who I was so that I can suddenly piece myself back together. I want to be that person, that couldn't be broken. That couldn't feel pain. I remeber that day during december vacation after sending that one single text message that changed me forever. That was one of the best and worst moment of my life. Because that moment I finally felt all the emotions I had earlier held back. Those emotions that were brewing inside me waiting for just the right moment to strike. Who knew the one moment I decided to fight against a higher power was the moment that changed my life forever. I didn't know where I wanted to go anymore, but I knew I was fighter. Right now I'm going through one of the biggest struggles of my life. Being protestant or catholic. What I want to do when I grow up be logical and go to college for a stable job or pursue performing arts possibly giving up my soccer career with that. I'm being presented with five or more different paths and being forced to choose. I can't just walk away and leave it all behind because I'm surrounded with only choices and more choices. If I walk away I have to have a road to follow. There is no inbetween. It's a yes or a now. There is no maybe. And there never will be.

Blast From the Past

I was going through my stuff the other day and found this little speech that I wrote to one of my friends. Now let me give you a little background on these. So typically when I'm mad or upset I write these to get some of my feelings out. And these little speeches hold so many feelings therefore they don't hold back. I write whatever my heart wants to say so here it is:
I am sick of taking
other people's crap. And I
can tell by all of your actions
just how much you actually
care what I think or
what you're doing to me
Everyday I learn to hate you
more and more. Does it really
hurt to let me talk just this
once. Why does it have to be all
about you? The last time I
checked I was important too!
I expected way better of you
than what I've seen for a while
So far your the worst friend I've
EVER had and you don't give a damn
about what you're putting me
through you could pretty much
careless! For some reasons
I don't understand why I
keep giving you chances considering
you just waste them! I don't
understand why I'm still friends
with a self-center bitch like you!
So yes there are some strong words in there. After reading this (even though I know I wrote it) I felt bad for that girl that, I kneew had to go through all that. I remeber that time clearly. It was an awful time for me. And one of the reason I started to write this blog was to get all that anger out in my writing. I needed a filter that almost helped releave my burden, take some of the weight off my shoulders. Right now I'm so grateful for it. It's allowed me to be who I truly am without sacrificing anything on my part.

Again & Again

Sometimes I lay awake at night and think why me? Why is it always me? Why am I always stuck witht the girls that don't know how to be happy? Why I am I never rewarded for the good things I do? And finally why do I always seem to realize things a little too late? All these questions are stupid and mindless. They can never be answered, but they can be pondered. Thought about until your mind explodes. Truthfully I do this all the time -ponder the questions that cannot be answered- and it is kind of a waste of time. Because although thoughts are important they won't get you very far. They'll drive you insane for sure. (If they haven't already). Sometimes I feel as though my life is a song. No matter how many times you listen to it, it's always the same. Which relates to everyone really; inside we'll always be the same person no matter what. But what we exibit on the outside makes others believe we've changed. For a long time, my life was an act. I didn't know how much was truth and how much was lie. And indeed I wasn't proud of it. I felt like I was lying to myself more than anybody. At that point I felt as though I owed it to myself to be who I was. And eventually I was done pretending. And became the person that I deserved to be. It was a hard road and it still is. It has tons of bumps because I've faced the fact that the road of life isn't perfect; much liken our world. Trust me it does get better but only in time. And when life repeats for you know that, that isn't nessairly a bad sign, it just means that your life may need some improvement. And that isn't a bad thing it just means that you have a chance to make yourself even better than you already are. Embrace life it isn't a punishment. It's a never ending journey .

Never

Never wil I be that sam giggly untouched girl I once was. The girl that some people thought I still was.I'm not fool. I see right through games and foolish acts. And I know who I can truly trust. Maybe some people would surprise you. Maybe not. But they sure do surprise me sometimes. Shock me at others. Never will I treat another soul the way some treat me. Although I do have prelogged ideas of some people but I always treat others the way I would want others to treat me. Even if they don't treat me all that nicely. The Golden Rule. That's what some people say they like about me. I'm not judgemental I wait until I truly know a person to judge them or make a final idea of them. I'm defiently not proud of some of the things I've done. Some of the ways I've acted. Even some of the things I've said. But truth be told I'm brutally honest. I HATE lying. It makes me sick. And when people say just act it, like you do on stage. But I just can't. I like to leave that on the stage because that's where it belongs. Where it can hurt no one. But I have to be truthful I have acted some parts of my life to benefit me. To shield everything that goes on inside. To shield everything that I have no one to tell. The endless pages of this blog is made up of many things, I've never told anybody. So you guys as my readers now are all my secret-keepers. And I hope you can see eye to eye with me now. Understand my battles and who I am. I want more than ever to lead a normal life and be respected by the people that obviously have no idea what respect is. And for people to stop calling me Simonne. We don't even look alike! But all and all I love my life for what it is. And what it could be. I want to see where life takes me and just hope that I turn out all right. Sometimes life doesn't always go as planned and I've learned that. I miss the person I was but at the same time I don't. Because I'm learning to embrace who I am and who I want to be. I can't do much dwelling on the past it won't do you much good because you can't change it and you must live with the results or consquences so my advice to you is look to the past to find the answers for the future. The past is merely a window into the future even if we don't realize it at the time.

Alone

Now decisions have been made whether we realize it or not. Everybody keeps telling me how they want it like it was long ago but unfortunately that window of opportunity closed a good while a go. It closed when they shut me out. When they broke my heart. When they murdered a part of me. A part of myself that I wish I could still have. When I think back to what they did, I still shed a few tears. because I never really forgot and I never really forgave. I pushed it to the back of my thoughts like I do with all of my hurtful memories. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I don't want to be a part of most things anymore. I want to be left alone to my tears and sorrow, left to my problems. I don't want to talk to many people and a lot of people don't know me well. They think they do or they wish they did but that just isn't enough. I just want everybody to understand sometimes I just need ti be left alone with my problems. I don't like people who think they know it all. They think they know everything when in reality they don't. I don't like tag alongs and I hate copycats in some situations. This whole blog started from an idea that sparked after reading a favorite book but now it's turned into so much more. It's now like my entire life written down. And from it I've realized that my passion is to write. That's my form of communication. Writing. I write alone and most of the time I much prefer to be alone. Maybe it's because of the first 9 years of my life I was typically alone. I was really quiet. Now every body's amazed at how much I talk but I had my time for talking and I don't feel like it anymore. I feel like being who I am again not who I've forced myself to be. The girl that always knew the right thing to say. The girl that thought she could do anything, be anybody. The girl that thought friends lasted forever. But boy was she wrong. It wasn't because she pushed them away but because they pushed first and she pushed back. And that caused a crack way too deep to filled again. At this point I've been hurt many times and I don't trust many people because in the end they always come back to bite.

Unsure of My Next Road

For once in my life I don't know what I'm gonna do next. I've chosen my road but I've forgotten how to walk. It's one of those things that is easier said then done. I love my friends ALL my friends but that doesn't I'm always going to take your side. But I'm done taking sides I can't do it anymore it hurts me because it makes me feel like I favor one over the other. Some friendships are meant to last forever and others aren't that just how it works. God has figured out for but it's up to us to figure out what that is. At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought I was on one side but then I realized that I'd be ashamed to be a part of that. I'm really sorry to anyone that I've hurt. Because most of you don't desreve it. There's some things about life I understand completely and others that are a total blur. I don't know everything. And I need help. I need someone to guide me. Sitting hear at my computer writing this I have tears welling up in eyes. Because I know I'll miss the people behind making this choice. I never intended to hurt to any of you and I don't intend to either. Although I'm kinda of violent. I'm still a good person I don't like to see people get hurt. True somethings are unavoidable but that doesn't make up for anything. My life is way more complicated than I anticipated. I thought by spiltting myself up to share with everybody would be a healthy decision but in turn I left a part of myself with each person I'm met and befriended. And some of those pieces I'm never get back. So in turn I'm stuck. I'm being pulled in so many different directions. And tonight I finally decided what I have to do to make it stop. I have my choose my third option. The option I never thought I do. Let Go. Let go of the bar that I still hang from and fall. The worst that can happen is I'll get bruised a little bit. But we all must risk a fall at least once in our life. We all need that wake up call. I knew I couldn't hang there forever I knew that it would be taken away and I would have to get down. But I never knew that I would choose to jump. I never knew the choices that I would make. I never knew who I was going to be until now. I'm someone who works hard for what she wants. Who is as stubborn as a bull. I never give up. So admitting to failure is a hard thing for me. I'm someone who keeps everything inside until I blow my top. And I don't like that but it's one of things I just except because it's harder for me to tell people what's wrong. Because some people will never understand. I'll miss everything I'm leaving behind but I know I won't look back. It's not something I want to go back to truthfully. It's something that was meant to be left behind. I know life isn't perfect but that's not what I'm achieve. I don't perfection. I'm not in search of perfect friends. I'm in search of friends who aren't afraid to fall. Who understand that admitting to something isn't like going to jail. I'd be happier if you just admitted what you said or did was wrong and move on. I'm really sorry to any of you are reading this. And you may or may not be left behind. But I'm sorry somethings need to be done and theres no way around it. I don't wish to hurt anyone doing what I'm doing. But I can't pretend anymore. Pretend as if nothings wrong. Pretend as if I'm alright. Pretend like I'm someone different to myself and to others. Pretend like nothing ever happened when it did. I can't stand it. I just want peace for myself and for others. And if becoming a loner is what it takes to achieve that I'll do it. I'll do anything to get out this. I can't just plow through life anymore like nothing hurts, when it really does. I'm good at hiding my feelings I've been doing it for almost 5 years since I was in 4th grade. I remeber that time as clear as day the time. When I found out not all friendships are innocent and gentle. That not all friends are meant to last forever. But some are. I know which friends in my are for keeps and which ones need to be left behind. I knew I couldn't hold on forever and so now I'm finally letting go.